I’m 18 now. Turning 19 next week. I want this blog to be authentic and honest. So you need to meet the weak and insecure Maria Luna. Today I had a little mental break down. Nothing big, just reality that hit me hard. Really hard. I realized that I’m approaching the 20’s. Of course you’re still considered as young if you’re in your 20’s. But for me, the number is irrelevant. I don’t care if I’m 17 or 24 or 38 years old. I don’t have a problem with my age. But I can’t get over the fact that my childhood is gone. Or High School. I’m really bad at letting go and saying goodbye. Months before graduating I cried every night because I didn’t want to leave high school and my friends. I felt empty, exhausted and tired. But it’s not that I loved high school so much. Sometimes I really hated it. Nevertheless I grew from a shy little girl to a young and strong woman during high school. It was the best time of my life considering friendships and my personal development. Leaving high school was like leaving the confident Maria and starting from zero. Every important stage of growing up happened to be during high school. I know that high school is just a little stage of life and there will be more exciting and challenging things. I will experience more and eventually, high school will fade away in my memories. But that’s something I don’t want to happen. I want to remember how I was struggling, how hard it was to grow up. I had a really long journey until I found something that’s called myself.
Today I danced to High School Musical songs and remembered all the moments with my friends when we were twelve and did the exact same thing. We were clueless. Innocent. Today I had as much fun as the twelve-year-old Maria, the only difference was just that I was alone. Alone in my room. And then it hit me. Reality. I’m growing up. And I can’t do anything against it. Taxes, jobs, university, bills, ending friendships, failed relationships, worries, problems, trust issues. Now I know what my mom meant when she told me that I should enjoy my teenage years. When I was a teenager I couldn’t wait until I was old enough to go to parties, to move out, to go to university, to live. Don’t get me wrong. I love my life as a kind of grown up. But if I had the opportunity to tell my 13 year old self something, I would give her one advice: Don’t wait until you can live, live now.
Find yourself and be that.
Growing up is really weird. You have to figure out who you really are. And then there are so many disturbing people who try to make you to a person you actually don’t want to be.
I had a friend. I admired her. She was pretty, she was rich, she was popular. She was just perfect. I saw myself as the luckiest person because I could call myself her friend. One of her best friends actually. But actually I was her shadow. She made me to a person I would have detested if I had met her. Arrogant, self centered, superficial. That’s not the right way to grow up. Luckily she transferred to another school and I finally got to find myself by myself. Without other people trying to help me. I don’t know if I have found myself. I think this is a life long journey. But what I found is the right way. The right way to grow up. The right way to handle all this adult stuff.
Fear kills more dreams that failure ever will.
The number will grow. I will get older. But I will become wiser, more experienced. I will learn, teach, lose, win, laugh, cry. But all this has nothing to do with the number I am, with the years I lived. This has something to do with me and how I handle life: How many times I danced carelessly through the night, how I travelled the world, how I stayed up until 6am to see the sunrise, how I let go, how I met people. Just how I lived. Not my age will grow, I will grow.